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I Can’t Love Myself and Hate My Body

One day I decided to stop hating my body. It wasn’t a total epiphany or a conversion experience. It was a cumulation of months of thinking:

I hate being so miserable.
It sucks not having the confidence I should.

I’m pretty but I never feel that way.

What am I missing?

Here’s the thing: Everyone’s body is non-standard in some way. Mine happens to be over what society has dictated the standard weight should be.

Bucking standards isn’t easy, but I am a rebel. It takes a lot of nerve, but I live my life:

– Black
– Woman
– Opinionated
– Fat

Obviously, I got over the first three, but I gotta be honest: it took me until damn near thirty to stop hating myself for being fat. It influenced the way I interacted with everyone I met. Dating? Forget it. If you were willing to tolerate my body as is, you were the guy for me.

That decision was a HUGE (no pun intended) mistake on my part.

Time to change

So what changed on that day? Nothing big. I was just tired. I was tired of fighting myself. Nobody wants to walk around feeling unworthy. And before you tell me that if I felt unworthy I should have lost weight, consider this: who wants to be loved conditionally?

No, really. How could I have ever expected to trust myself if I looked in the mirror and said the following:

LOOK self, you’re nice.
Very intelligent.
Pretty face. . .
BUT none of those things matter until you drop some pounds

I decided that if I can’t love myself unconditionally, I have no right to demand it from anybody else. I started looking at myself, REALLY looking.

If you search the internet, you will find lots of information about body positivity. I started asking myself if the reason I had been upset about my weight was because I personally had a problem with it or because of what I believed other people thought of me.

Slowly it dawned on me that I had fallen for society’s expectations of me hook line and sinker. Guess what? I’m fucking gorgeous. I surround myself with people who see my beauty and if someone doesn’t, that’s ok. I’m not for everybody. I’m for me, primarily.

So while you’re making and keeping your resolutions, I want you to look at yourself and ask: do I believe I’m f—ing gorgeous?

Don’t wait to lose weight. Lose it if you want or need to, but don’t hold your self-acceptance hostage. Love yourself the way you’ve always wanted to be loved. It’s awesome.

Until next time,



10 thoughts on “I Can’t Love Myself and Hate My Body

  1. Wow very heartfelt. Self-love is the area that most of us don’t understand. We give so much love away that we don’t take the time out to just be happy with being YOU. I think what you said is great advice. Make a change for you and not let others define who you want to be. -Darla @

    1. Darla- thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! I’m with you. We are the only people we have to deal with for the rest of our lives. We may as well satisfy ourselves.

  2. I worry that my oldest daughter feels this way and I know my mom has battled with this her whole life. I’ve loved people of all shapes and sizes throughout my life and I want to think I don’t fall for society’s stupid rules – but I know I still do. However, there are other forms of this too. There’s a celebrity who is attractive and talented, yet, she seems to be vacant and when I hear her talk, I’m just repulsed. That’s no better than being repulsed by someone who is fat or skinny. We all have shit to work on, right?

    1. You are ABSOLUTELY right. We are all so busy trying to please other people we rarely take enough time to decide if we are happy the way we are. I’m so glad you stopped by!

  3. Yea that’s one of the things i struggle with, it took me a long time to like myself and an even longer time to love myself. This was a very good post to read.

    1. Victor!! Thank you so much for reading the post! I’m really touched and I’m so glad you found it helpful!

  4. LOVE THIS!!! How many of us fat girls had to go through a time of self-hatred based on everyone else’s opinions of what our bodies should look like? Too many! If you’re health is being affected by extra pounds in the wrong places, by all means do something about it. But if it’s just aesthetics? Who cares?! In many cultures what we westerners call overweight is the beauty goal. In fact, it’s only been within the last hundred years that super-skinny has become the accepted standard. You keep loving every inch of that body!

    1. Say it again, sister!!! ???

  5. Just wanna say this was so reaffirming to read, and that small phrase “I am for me” was a reminder I’m gonna need to put on a giant sticky note all over my house. Thank you!

    1. Awwww, that’s amazing. We all need those reminders

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