Valentine’s day is fast approaching, and that has me thinking about love and ADHD relationships. I think about love a lot, especially after enduring a divorce. I spent a lot of time after that divorce wondering if love was something I would ever find again. After all, it isn’t easy to be in love when you are messy, forgetful and chronically disorganized. I mean, I have a hard time finding my own belongings, how the hell am I supposed to find a partner?
Am I too complicated to love?
That brought me to another point about the ADHD relationship: dealing with so many symptoms over the years can leave you feeling perennially insecure. When you get into a relationship with someone, it is easy to wonder if they will be able to endure your particular brand of life.
I had to stop and realize that regardless of whether I have a disorder or not, that doesn’t define who I am as a person. ADHD doesn’t prevent me from loving, and being loved. Am I a complicated person? Absolutely. But good things don’t come easy, right?
Read: ADHD Symptoms In Adults Aren’t Character Flaws
Having ADHD doesn’t make you too complicated to love.ADHD Relationships Are Remarkable
ADHD relationships are really remarkable when you think about it, because you’re taking people who have been hurt, and you’re giving and receiving love. Most people with ADHD can tell you that dealing with people is one of the most complicated parts of managing the disorder. People misinterpret and don’t understand us at times, and that can leave us feeling isolated and afraid. When you find someone who is able to understand and have compassion for that? Oh, it is absolutely incredible. That’s something nobody wants to let go.
Struggling through the ADHD relationship is a stereotype most people with the disorder are used to hearing. We hear that no one can tolerate our symptoms, that we are complicated, difficult, and hard to love.
Read: How An ADHD Diagnosis Transformed Me
People Complain About Their ADHD Relationship
Forums are full of spouses who complain about the many ways their ADHD partners disappoint them. We make mistakes from forgetting anniversaries to failing to split housework evenly. This isn’t helpful for the person who has ADHD who is looking for love or working to keep love alive. If anything, this contributes to our feelings of inadequacy and makes us wonder if we are truly capable of maintaining a healthy relationship with anyone.
Really, when it comes to relationship struggles, isn’t that what the entire world is doing? The divorce rates are climbing, people seem more selfish, and we are all confused about the reasons why. Contrary to popular belief, to be in a relationship with someone who has ADHD can be fulfilling and fun.
The Other Side Of The Story
It is easy to find all of the reasons why loving someone with ADHD is difficult. That’s only one side of the story, and quite frankly it isn’t helpful to only hear one side. The ADHD relationship can be hard, but it can also be a source of love, support, strength, and peace. Love is love, whether the person who you love has a disorder or not.
5 Ways ADHD Relationships Are Remarkable
You’ve heard enough about the bad parts of loving someone with ADHD. Let me show you five ways that ADHD relationships are remarkable.
- Empathy – People who are living with ADHD every day know what it feels like to be down on themselves. When you come home from a long day at work, beaten down and feeling like nobody cares for you, you can count on your ADHD partner to understand. If you’re having trouble with a friend, we’re more than capable of empathizing with those feelings. Being in an ADHD relationship gives you access to someone who is able to empathize with you. Your partner will encourage you through your tough times.
- Creativity – If you’re looking for someone who is going to keep you entertained, you’ve come to the right place. One of the hallmarks of the ADHD relationship is creativity. We will pull out all of the stops to get your attention, and delight you. Whether it is taking you on a romantic date, giving you an amazing gift, or coming up with a surprise you would never have considered, we will do it! We know sometimes we miss the mark, so when we can, we love to spoil our partners.
- Spontaneity – Relationships can sometimes get into a rut, and eventually, lose their connection. ADHD relationships are exciting. If you live for order, we might not be the person for you. If you enjoy spontaneity, we have it in spades. People with ADHD can take you on a ride to a romantic spot they found, show you their favorite after-hours spot, or whisk you off on a vacation at the spur of the moment. You won’t get bored, that’s for sure!
- Sensitivity – Everybody wants someone who is going to be sensitive and understanding. People with ADHD are incredibly sensitive and intuitive. You can talk to us about anything, and we’ll be sure to help you. If you need a shoulder to cry on, we have one. If you need to vent it out, we’ll be there to lend an ear (though excuse us if we fidget, and don’t think that means we don’t care).
- Loyalty – Because people with ADHD have been hurt by people’s criticism and judgments so many times, we learn to be very loyal to the people who care for us. If you are hoping to have a partner who will be devoted to you, don?t think that you won’t find that in an ADHD relationship. On the contrary, it is difficult not to feel a bond with someone who takes the time to understand our disorder and the complications it can bring to our lives.
ADHD Relationships are complicated
Just like everything else, ADHD relationships are complicated. That doesn’t mean they can’t be beautiful. The problem with ADHD is that we oftentimes spend so much time focusing on the problems. We forget that people with ADHD are just that: we are people, not a problem to solve. Just like everyone else, we long to feel loved, wanted and admired. Though ADHD relationships aren’t easy, no relationship is.
For more on ADHD relationships, read:
If you’re ready to take control of your ADHD, read my ultimate guide to ADHD here!
What do you love most about YOUR relationship?
[…] 5 Ways ADHD Relationships are Remarkable […]
I can attest to our levels of empathy…and we often meet them with humor just to smooth things over.
Whew! We will throw that self-deprecating humor like salt on a grease fire!
It helps so much if the person who has ADHD *knows* it. As someone who was diagnosed very late in life — after a string of broken relationships — the test findings made me want to contact every former partner and say: This!! If only we’d known, we could have handled things differently. It’s safe to say I would have been a different person if I’d had this perspective early on. This is part of the pain of generations of people who struggled before ADHD had a name; who were often isolated and othered by peers, recognized as smart — sometimes brilliant by teachers — but “not performing up to their promise” while offering no solutions. I’m so glad that younger generations have it better, and continue to hope that even late in life, I might still find an understanding partner.
I am hoping with all of my heart that you find someone who sees all the goodness in you. ?
Tears.
*hugs*
WOW!!!
I am 58 yo. I was diagnosed 7 yrs ago.
I never quite “fit in”. I was extremely close to my Momma (who MAY have had undiagnosed Personality Disorder, and who definitely had symptoms of ADHD); enmeshed is a term I’d use for me and her.
She died in 2006.
I was diagnosed with ADHD, dyslexia and Irlen Syndrome in 2013.
(Ok. I just realized that most of that was unnecessary to my reply here… oh well.)
Anyway, I was raped in 1971, 2 weeks before my 10th birthday. I grew up knowing my parents hated each other. I made a decision at age 10 to avoid romance, adult relationships.
3 different times in my early 20’s I was proposed to by guys who I thought were just my friends. I broke off the friendship and ran from them every time it happened.
In the last 6 years I have come to understand and accept and enjoy myself. I am finally not afraid to allow people in to my life.
But I have been a little concerned about what will happen if I “fall in love” in the future. (“Wouldn’t I get on their nerves?” “What if I unintentionally hurt them?” “Would it just be too hard for them to be in a relationship with me?”)
Reading your post, has today given me a more hopeful viewpoint!
Thanks
Nēsa
Nēsa, thank you so much for reaching out. It has been a long journey for you. I’m so glad that you’re willing to open your heart to love again.
I don’t think it was a coincidence that I found my partner after I started seeing a psychologist regularly. He saw my apartment with all of it’s piles and didn’t run away. Since I got diagnosed(after we started living together) he clears up the like piles of stuff I disburse throughout our space. He doesn’t make me feel crazy. He does his best to understand why I do what I do.
I LOVE that you have someone who understands and works with you, not against you. Love is amazing.
What’s wild is my fiance and I- we both have ADHD and it’s honestly so fulfilling being with someone who finally gets it. I had a few really terrible relationships where my chronic people pleasing add disorganization was really violently used against me and I honestly never thought I would find anyone who could put up with me long enough to even like me, let alone love me. We’re doing a lot to really keep things reasonably together at home, labelmakers, calendars, whiteboards, pretty rigid weekly schedules for chores so that they become habit, etc. But I’ve never been so totally fulfilled before in my life. I can’t wait to marry the hell out of him.
Congratulations on your happily ever after!